Growing up I did not have the most stable of environment's. My family lived all over the place, we moved every other year or sometimes every six months depending on where my father was transferred. From the age of seven on up I was in a state of depression, It was at the age of Seven that I tried my first suicide attempt, by placing a plastic bag over my head. During this time is when I remember the sexual abuse starting, even though I'm pretty sure it happened before then. Till this day only three people actually know what happened, Me, God, and the Man that is my father. I spent many years thinking it was my fault and blaming myself for what happened. I never told anyone because I was afraid that nobody would believe me. I lived with a brewing hatred that grew and grew. I spent most of my Childhood and my teen years in and out of psychiatric wards because of suicide attempts. The first time I went to a psychiatric hospital I was seven, I had tried to kill myself by putting a plastic bag over my head. When that wouldn't do anything I upped the atty and started cutting myself. It actually felt good at the time, it was a way to drain away the pain. In my teens I became heavily involved in Wicca, I studied it and believed in it. It was my life. When I was a wiccan I did things that to this day I have not spoken of and I have seen things that made me a believe in the supernatural. In October of 2000 my life came crashing down when my father sexually abused my little sister, I was the one who actually heard the conversation and the act as it was happening. I was the one who ended it. I ended it by going to my mom's friend's boyfriend. I just went up to him and said "My dad is molesting my sister" and he told his girlfriend who then told my mom. Till this day I don't know what made me tell. I think it was the protective instinct, I had over my siblings. I was always the one who took the blame for the things they did wrong. When my father went to jail things sunk further, my mom went on a wild streak and I joined her at 14 I was a drinking and smoking and partying like an adult. Finally in October of 2001 after years of Chaos my siblings and I went to live with my Grandparents is Los Angeles. Finally I got some normalcy in my life. In 2004 we moved to Florida and I sunk into a depression again. I had left my friends and was going to a new school for my Senior year. I was a mess. After graduation I moved in with my mom and went to college for one semester before I dropped out. After a few months I got involved in a Mentally and verbally abusive relationship with a man twice my age that led to a relapse In cutting. In November of 2006 I went to Teen Challenge. I can remember my first day there looking at my Grandmother and saying “If you think I'm going to come out of this a Christian you seriously have another thing coming.” Little did I know. Fought the whole time I was there against giving into the power of God. I dont think I fully gave into it until my Sixth month. While I was there they helped to teach me the Skills that I needed to be the person I am today. Before I fully accepted Christ in my life, I did was so bound by my anger, regret, self loathing, and hatred. With Christ help I have learned to forgive my father for what he has done to me, and I will be honest and say that the relationship will not be mended. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and say that I am not still affected by what has happened in my life. It struggle with even more so now that I have my own daughter. It has caused me to be leary about the people that I let watch her, even though I know that they would never hurt her. It still does not stop me from being paranoid. Simple acts as such as changing my daughters diaper which is nothing more then innocent act of taking care of her needs make me feel ashamed and dirty. It is in these moments that I turn to God and ask him to help me through it. I know that with each struggle I face it makes me stronger for the next one that comes along and I know that with God walking by my side I will make it and that I will be okay.
Isaiah 54:17
"No weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD and their vindication from me, declares the LORD.”
2 Corinthians 10:4"For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds."
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