The Past Few Days

So I know that I have not posted for the past few days so you are all going to get a double dose tonight. I've been trying to get my house ready for a friend who is visiting next week and its been a bit of a challenge due to the fact that if i even turn my back for 2 seconds my Daughter is into everything. I've also been keeping up on some reading, my husband just got me the book "The White Queen" and I love it so I'm really addicted to it. I've also been trying to get some of my Candy Bouquets put together for a few people and for a contest that I am going to do.

Things have been nut's which has put my stress level over 1000 out of 100. Someday's I feel like I'm going to go crazy!! Other days I want to punch someone in the face. Between trying to get the bills paid, doctors appointment's, school schedules, work schedule, studying for the HESI A2 and trying to take care of my daughter it's been hard.

The Past few day's I have managed to accomplish some of what I needed to get done. I've gotten the floor cleaned up and moved some boxes, got some boxes unpacked, got a few things organized and managed to get some other things that I normally don't get to work on. now it is times to sit back and relax. Got to finish up some cleaning that needs to be done i just have a few dishes that i need to wash. This is really all for the night! Good night people!


Love
Christiania

Misguided Concepts

I am a Christian. I have been for awhile. When some people find this out they automatically are shocked when I'm not what they though I would be. The problem lie in the fact that people hear the word CHRISTIAN and they automatically that we have to be all Goody two shoes. I hate to burst a few bubbles but I am beyond being a goody two shoes! Yes I'm a Christian and I Love the Lord with all my heart and soul and I thank him daily for the blessings he has given me and I have changed my lifestyle, but here's what really shocks people. Yes I still drink, I have a mouth that will put a sailor to shame, I still listen to explicit secular music, I don't make it to church all the time, I still love my R-rated movies, I am a complete Harry Potter Fan, and I am flawed in more ways then one. What I do does not affect my love of the Lord or my relationship and it doesn't make me a horrible person, It makes me human. I'm still a kind, loving, caring, giving, funny, helping, and loyal person. If you need something call me and I will help the best I can, If you need prayer I'm there. If you need anything you know where to find me or how to get in touch with me and I will move mountains to try and help.

Here's what people don't know: I read my Bible every morning, I pray every morning, I don't drink in excess, my mouth dose have a filter between the hours of 7:30am and 7:00pm when my daughter is awake (I do still slip on occasion), I like music and don't feel convicted when listening to explicit music, and I just don't care about what people think. I am an adult and I will make my choice's my way and If i feel like something is wrong I won't do it. It's not like I'm some neglectful parent who spend their nights out partying and getting drunk.

I will help anyone who ask me. I am the kindest person that you will ever meet and I care about my friends and family. If you ask any of my friends they will tell you. I love everyone.


Well Im going to go to bed!


Love
Christiania

Officially a NO DRAMA MAMMA!

I'm 26yrs old and have been out of High School since 2005. When I left High School I thought naively that people were to grown up to deal with drama, but oh how wrong I was! It seem like now that I'm an adult that the drama has only gotten worse. Between psycho ex friends, bitchy Grandmothers, and nosy people there is just so much drama. Honestly I thought that once we grew up that all this crap just stopped. Can someone please explain to me why we are not wearing our big kig undies?

I'm really to old to still be dealing with the same crap I had to deal with in High School. There are better more important things to do. I have a kid to raise and much rather spend all my energy on that then on some drama. So from this point on I am officially a No Drama Mamma!!  Keep all your drama to yourself and if you come to my house leave your drama at the door because I'm not going to listen to it. I have enough of my own crap to deal with without adding anyone else's on top of it.

Blog is kinda short today because I'm just not having a very good day. I feel like crap, and am running off of like 3 hours of sleep. I might have a new blog for you all laters. 

Love 

Christiania

CREEPY THINGS ARE GOING ON

So this past Saturday I went to my Grandmothers house for a visit, things were pretty normal. Me, Hubby, My Daughter and my Mother all swam in the pool and talked, watched my Daughter run around touching everything and terrorizing my Grandmothers pets, just your normal family visit. well it wasn't till later after we had all been swimming and eaten lunch and were just lying around the house that some pretty weird things started to happen.

***Side Note*** My Grandfather passed way in June 2011 when I was 3 1/2 months pregnant with my Daughter. ***

First Creepy Incident: Okay so shortly after swimming I still had some water in my ear so I went to get a q-tip to try and get the water out. Well my grandmother always keeps a jar of q-tips in her bathroom so that where i went to get them. I should point out that there is a short hallway in my Grandmothers room that has mirrored closets doors on the way to the bathroom. Well I got to the bathroom got my q-tips and ended up having to go potty so I sit down and as soon as I sit down I look down the hallway and in one of the mirrors I see a complete reflection of my Grandfather, I did a double take and it was gone. So I'm kinda freaked out at this point because my Grandfather has been dead for 2 years now. 

Second Creepy Incident: I in the laundry room in looking at the books that my Grandmother keeps in there when all of a sudden I literally felt someone's hand on my shoulder. I kinda brushed it off as a maybe I hit the shirt that was hanging on the back of the laundry room door the wrong way but then I wasnt even near it.

Third Creepy Incident: This happened when everyone was in the same room. My Grandmother and I were sitting at the dinning room table, my Daughter was eating a cooking, My mother was in the kitchen and My husband was beside me talking to me. Well all of a sudden the door to my Grandfathers den closed with a really loud bang. we looked for the animals thinking that one of them might have closed it but they were all on the lanai so it wasn't them. It was kind like my Grandpa was telling us to keep the door shut. He would always keep it closed unless he was in there. It was probably top 10 on my freaky moments list.

I think the next time I go to my Grandmothers house that Im going to do my own little ghost hunt to see If I can turn up anything. Even if its a little EVP telling me that he's okay I'll be happy with it.

Love
Christiania

The Dark Moment's

Till this day my life still has dark moment's.  Most of the time I feel like I wont be able to escape them. Someday's I really want to trow my hands up and say I'm done with everything and just walk away. But I love my life, I love my Daughter and I love my Husband. They are everything to me. It is when I have these "Dark Moment's" that I sit back and re-evaluate  everything and try to find the root cause of what is making me feel this way. I'm not afraid to admit that I have an on going battle with depression and that sometimes I just feel like crying and staying in bed all day but the reality is ... I can't! I have my baby girl to think about and to take care of.  I have been managing my depression on my own now without the aide of medication for about 8 years now and I think I'm doing pretty damn good. 

When ever I feel like I'm going to break down I talk to someone. I guess I am lucky enough to have a great support system to help me through my struggles, and Its amazing to know that if I need someone I know where to go. I realize that so many people out there don't have good support system's but the good news is that there is always help out there, just seek it. 

When I have my "Dark Moment's", I feel helpless, worthless, alone,  sad, out of place, disconnected, and like my world is caving in. I don't want to talk to people, all I wanna do is sit in a dark room with the shades drawn and the blankets over my head and cry till I cant cry anymore.  I try not to let my Depression keep me from being a normal person, but I don't ignore it. A person with Depression becomes very good at hiding how they feel, till it boils over and when it boils over there is no telling what might happen. When I would bottle things up, it would get to the point where it would just become so overwhelming that I would cut myself.  I don't ever let it get to that point anymore, it's been 8 years since I cut myself last. The scars on my arm are a constant reminder of how bad things can get if I don't talk to people about how I am feeling. 

Everyday people ask me how is it that I am able to manage my depression with out help of medication. My answer is "Writing, focusing my energy into doing the things that I love, channel how I'm feeling into art work or photography, talking to those around me about how I'm feeling, and lot's of prayer".  I wake up every morning and ask God to take away my bad thoughts and I tell him how I'm feeling. Someday's I have to get on my face and lay down in an act of surrender and just give everything over to him so that he may lift my burdens.  

I am a total Harry Potter fanatic and one of my favorite quotes is said by Albus Dumbledor in the "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" movie it is:

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."- Albus Dumbledore( Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban movie, screenplay by Steven Kloves )



It is one of those quotes that just reminds me no matter how bad I am feeling that there is always happiness that can be found. I'm glad that I always find it in my Daughter and in my family and friends.  To quote one of my first blog's : "It is in my darkest of moments that I turn to God and ask him to help me through it.  I know that with each struggle I face it makes me stronger for the next one that comes along and I know that with God walking by my side I will make it and that I will be okay."   






Love 
Christiania 

WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE NOW A DAYS!!

I'm seriously getting so tired of reading and hearing about people killing or harming or molesting or hurting a child in any way shape or form. It makes me want to vomit when I hear about a poor innocent child who has never done anything to anyone get hurt because some sicko want to get his jollys off! As a Mom it make's me beyond angry! It's a sad sad world we live in where you cant even let your child go outside and play anymore because some pedophile might just snatch them up or you can even leave your child with a baby sitter without having them go through an FBI style background check because you might just be leaving your child with some one that's going to knock them around while your gone. It's sad. You just cant let kids be kids anymore.

I remember growing up and running all over the neighborhood with my friends and my siblings. I remember taking my little brother and sister to the park buy myself when I was 11yrs old and letting them do their thing while I did mine. My parents were never worried as long as we checked in and were home before dinner and the street lights came on.  I used to walk home from school by myself after orchestra practice and then leave a note for my Mom (because the siblings were at the sitters) telling her that I would be home before dinner and I would leave the name of the friends house I was going to with a phone number. Hell I used to ride my bike to the Ice Cream store a few blocks down the road from my house by myself. I was all over the place. That was a kid growing up in the 90's for you.

Now a days you can let your kid even go out in the back yard without a freaking GPS tracking device stuck somewhere. Those fun family outing's where you would let your kid run a little bit ahead can be kissed goodbye! We no longer live in a world that is safe for Children. I live in constant fear that someone is going to take my child away from me forever, It is so bad that I actually memorize everything that my daughter is wearing before we go out. When we are at the store i scold my husband for not being by the cart when I have to turn away for even a second. when my daughter is in a shopping cart I always have some part of me touching her to make sure that she is still there. I get creeped out when a stranger even get near her, little old lady or not. I literally feel like that because my Daughter is now walking that I have to get child harness just to keep her close (You bet, I'm one of those Mom's)

Let's face it we live in a sick twisted fucked up world of perverts, serial killers, pedophiles, rapist, abusers, and just down right sick freaks.  I know that they have always been there but has not one person noticed that it seems to be getting worse? There are thousands upon thousands of stories out there about people killing children, yeah so what if it's not your child just think about it could be one day. Be thankful that it's not, but still keep in mind that still that one child was still someone else's child.

The horrible fact in all this is that it's not always men but women too! Sometimes its even the woman's own child! Nothing hurts more then reading about a mother who has killed her own child, most people right these women off  and say "Oh they had postpartum depression" what about the women that kill there 9yr old kid, do you think that's postpartum? I don't freaking think so! I remember reading about a Russian mother who threw her two boys off a balcony because they were getting on her nerves, On her nerves? REALLY? I will admit that more then once my Daughter has gotten on my nerves but that doesn't make me wanna walk up to the second story of my apartment building and toss her off the damn balcony!  If my daughter starts getting on my nerves then I quietly tell her Mommy is going to the bathroom and then I getup and walk into the bathroom and take a few minutes to myself.

What it all boils down to is this, we have to basically hover over our children because they are not safe in this world anymore. Keep your kids close. You can never wear out the words "I Love You", because you dont know if that will be the last time you tell them. Kiss and hug them often even when they are teenagers. Treasure the little things, for they are most precious.


Love
Christiania

Insomnia You Suck!!

I am a pure definition of what they call an insomniac. I always have a horrible time sleeping and spend most of my night tossing and turning and wanting to knock myself out. It's like when I go to bed my mind just doesn't want to stop, I blame this in part because of my ADHD. I wish that my brain had it's own on/off switch so at night when I lay down i just flip it off and pass right out, but that never going to happen so for now im just dealing with it.

I know that i can take sleeping pills that would help but I have the fear of taking them and then not waking up till past noon and I have a daughter to take care of so that's not going to work. I've tried drinking warm milk, sleepy time tea, and even taking shots of Nyquil to knock me out but just nothing works. When I finally do manage to sleep it usually not till about 3am when my husband is getting up and ready for work, so when the baby wake up bright and early at 7am I'm running off practically no sleep at all. I have started to have a really hot and steamy affair with my coffee pot in the mornings now, it not they way I would like things to be but hey it makes me somewhat functional. Thankfully all I have to do in the mornings after my daughter wakes up is, Change her diaper, give her cereal, giver her her sippy with milk, and put Disney Jr. and she is good to go. This way I can doze off on the couch a bit while she is distracted. Some mornings I take her into my room and she drinks her milk and watching Disney Jr. on my tv while Mommy catches up on some Z's, less trouble for her to get into and plus it offers some snuggle time with my Munchkin.

Soda has been my friend as well, I have a no Soda before 11am rule but lately with my insomnia so bad i have kinda thrown that rule out the window.  Soda just gives me that extra kick I don't get with my morning coffee. I literally praying that one day someone just drops an espresso machine on my door step, i could really use it right now.  I do have my good and bad days, I do actually get a full 8 hours sleep but that's only if I had a really busy day and then I pass right out. Right now I am kicking myself for taking a nap earlier today because now I really cant sleep. Right now where I am at its about 1am so I think i'm going to try and lay down. Talk you all later!


Love
Christiania

Loss

Today I lost a dear friend. It hurts. It's sad. This amazing woman that I lost was one of the best people I have ever know. She was old enough to be my Mother and was just like one to me. I am literally at a lost for words. This is new territory for me. I have lost a family member before but never a friend. Losing my friend is a bittersweet kinda thing, I'm glad she is no longer suffering and in pain but then I'm angry and upset because this one person that i had gotten so close to is no longer here. My friend was some I could go to talk to about anything with, it was nice to have the advice of someone with more life experince then me who could help guide me an advise me on what to do if my husband was driving me nuts or if my family was being their crazy selves.

I feel for her daughter. I feel for her Grandson's who only got to know her for a short time, I feel for her twin grandson's who will never truly know what an amazing woman of God she was, or how much she loved them, or how wise and caring she was. As I sit here typing this I reflect back on all the fun times we had and how much she taught me. She taught me how to cook better, she taught about keeping house, she taught me so much. I remember that she loved her cats with all her heart and soul, she used to take care of all the neighborhood cats that were in the area. I remember one time her cat had kittens and was not taking care of them properly so she and I would stay up and hand feed with syringe the kittens. I remember sitting on her back porch with her drinking a coke and just talking for hours about everything. I remember her cooking and the different things she would make. I remember her comforting me when I had my first miscarriage. So many memories of good times that were had and wont ever be forgotten. My one regret is that I didn't visit her after I moved away, things had gotten so hectic at work that I just never made the time.

Tonight is a sullen kinda night. It's been raining all day and it has crossed over into tonight, guess its fitting for the melancholy mood that I am in.Tonight there will be no sleep for me, because I will be reflecting on things and keeping memories of my friend close and etched always into my heart.

R.I.P A.H.F August 8,2013
Your family and friends will always find comfort in the fact that you are looking down upon us all from heaven and interceding on our behalf when we need it most. Tonight our thoughts are with with those you left behind. We love and miss you, you amazing woman of God! P.S If I find a penny I know it will be from you letting me know that your alright.


Love
Christiania 

Buying a New Car Hell

Hubby and I have been thinking about getting a new car, of course we are having the pain staking task of talking to car dealers which is something I utterly loath! I understand they work on commission but that doesnt mean that they have to be asshole's about everything. The point is we desperately need a new car, If I tell you what I want and how much I want the car payment to be, you should try your damndest to make sure you find what I need. It's not like you'r not going to get freaking paid.

Today My Husband and I went to the car dealership to look at a car, they were really nice enough to actually come pick us all up and take us to the dealership. Well Talk about a waste of my freaking time, we get all the way there and hull the baby out of the car, go  sit inside for 20 minutes all to find out that they need more freaking paper work before they can even sell us or even let us look at a car. Like is it really that hard to tell us over the phone that we needed all this paper work before you wasted my time? I know that the guy helping my husband and I really didn't like me because I can be really pushy. I told him exactly what I wanted and it was like he didn't even care, he just sat there talking to my husband. Like really? You Idiot, you do realize that my husband and I are both making the decision right? Not just my Husband.

So tonight I will be searching their website and other dealership websites, along with Kelly Blue Book to look at review's of cars and looking at the price points. I will find the perfect car within in my price range and for what my Hubby and I are willing to pay, even if i have to spend months doing so. Let's just pray that my current car holds out that long.

Just a few tips for a Car sales man:
1.) When your paycheck is based on a person actually buying a car, you better work your ass off to find what they are looking for because if you don't someone else will and be banking the money that you should of made.
2.) Do Not! Do Not! disregard the other Spouse/Partner, they may be the one's paying for the car or wearing the pants in the relationship.
3.) Do not make your potential paycheck wait all day, because they may just walk out.
4.) Make sure you have your paper work together before calling your customers down to the lot, we don't like our time to be wasted on crap that could of been said over the phone.
5.) watch what you say and how you say it, you might just end up getting the business a bad review online.
6.) Take heart to what I'm saying and you just might have a good paycheck.



Love
Christiania

The Concept Of Death

For a long time now I have been thinking about my own death, this actually is a scary concept for most of us. I am afraid to die, but more afraid of how it will happen. I hope that when I die it is in my bed at home right next to my husband who also has also died, I know that sounds a bit like the "The Notebook" and you would be right. When I was young I never even thought to much about death and the consequences that come along with it. When we die we leave so much behind, our family, our friends, our possessions, past dues bills, bank accounts, and a million other little things. No matter what we thought we have done to prepare we always leave some sort of mess behind. As a parent death scares the living daylights outta me, I worry about the what ifs more then anything. Im 26yrs old and am already thinking about my Will, I understand that accident's happen everyday and that there truly is "1000 Ways To Die".

Before I was a parent I really didn't care how i died or when I died, but Now that I am a Mommy I have Changed my perspective allot. I worry about who will look after my Daughter if something should happen to me and my Husband. I worry about how my Husband will look after my Daughter if I die or vice versa. I worry about if the people I have chosen to care for her in the event of my and my Husbands death are going to want my daughter or be able to take care of her. Unfortunately I know that death is eventually coming at some point but the point is when. Will I die in my sleep next to my Husband when Im 90 yrs old after having lived a full life, or will I die tomorrow in some freak accident. Honestly Im hoping for 90 yrs old even later if God will's it.

Death is one of those unavoidable things, no matter how hard you try eventually you will die and there is not a damn thing you or anyone can do about it. Yes Doctors can bring you back from the brink of death but one day you wont be so lucky. I know that once my time comes I will leave some sad people behind and I am truly sorry for it. Death has been around since time began and is a part of the way things are. We are just a small part of a never ending cycle of life and death.

If you look back through the ages you will most likely see that death is not exactly a new concept. It has been around since time in memoriam. There are hundred if not thousands of paintings depicting death, in wars, from famine, from execution, to thousands of other ways.

As Human's we find death a scary concept because it's unknown to us what happens when we move from this life into the next. Do we just end up in our dirt covered graves as life less shells? Does are soul really pass on from this life to the next? Do we transcend to some higher plane of existence? There are just so many unanswered question's that go unanswered until we die. I guess we wont know what really happens until we actually die and even then its not like we can come back and tell people what happens. Yes there are instances of people coming back from the brink death and saying that they have seen some amazing things but I believe that everyone see something different. What do you think you will see when you pass on?


Love
Christiania