The Dark Moment's

Till this day my life still has dark moment's.  Most of the time I feel like I wont be able to escape them. Someday's I really want to trow my hands up and say I'm done with everything and just walk away. But I love my life, I love my Daughter and I love my Husband. They are everything to me. It is when I have these "Dark Moment's" that I sit back and re-evaluate  everything and try to find the root cause of what is making me feel this way. I'm not afraid to admit that I have an on going battle with depression and that sometimes I just feel like crying and staying in bed all day but the reality is ... I can't! I have my baby girl to think about and to take care of.  I have been managing my depression on my own now without the aide of medication for about 8 years now and I think I'm doing pretty damn good. 

When ever I feel like I'm going to break down I talk to someone. I guess I am lucky enough to have a great support system to help me through my struggles, and Its amazing to know that if I need someone I know where to go. I realize that so many people out there don't have good support system's but the good news is that there is always help out there, just seek it. 

When I have my "Dark Moment's", I feel helpless, worthless, alone,  sad, out of place, disconnected, and like my world is caving in. I don't want to talk to people, all I wanna do is sit in a dark room with the shades drawn and the blankets over my head and cry till I cant cry anymore.  I try not to let my Depression keep me from being a normal person, but I don't ignore it. A person with Depression becomes very good at hiding how they feel, till it boils over and when it boils over there is no telling what might happen. When I would bottle things up, it would get to the point where it would just become so overwhelming that I would cut myself.  I don't ever let it get to that point anymore, it's been 8 years since I cut myself last. The scars on my arm are a constant reminder of how bad things can get if I don't talk to people about how I am feeling. 

Everyday people ask me how is it that I am able to manage my depression with out help of medication. My answer is "Writing, focusing my energy into doing the things that I love, channel how I'm feeling into art work or photography, talking to those around me about how I'm feeling, and lot's of prayer".  I wake up every morning and ask God to take away my bad thoughts and I tell him how I'm feeling. Someday's I have to get on my face and lay down in an act of surrender and just give everything over to him so that he may lift my burdens.  

I am a total Harry Potter fanatic and one of my favorite quotes is said by Albus Dumbledor in the "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" movie it is:

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."- Albus Dumbledore( Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban movie, screenplay by Steven Kloves )



It is one of those quotes that just reminds me no matter how bad I am feeling that there is always happiness that can be found. I'm glad that I always find it in my Daughter and in my family and friends.  To quote one of my first blog's : "It is in my darkest of moments that I turn to God and ask him to help me through it.  I know that with each struggle I face it makes me stronger for the next one that comes along and I know that with God walking by my side I will make it and that I will be okay."   






Love 
Christiania