Clean is a curse word in My house.

So things in my life have just been all over the place. Between taking care of Madison and going to work ETC. there just has not been time to do the things that I want to do. I have every intention on keeping my blog updated but Like i said it has been freaking nuts in my house. My Adoring husband has not been to much help with the house and is always finding more time to play games then anything else. He is a help when I need help with the Baby. My brother actually stopped helping keep up the house when he started working and I feel like all the work is being left to me to keep up and it is driving me up the freaking wall. I know that the house is a bit of a mess but i cant do everything. I AM NOT SUPER WOMAN!!! For once i would like to come home and find the house spotless.... I will dare to keep dreraming. I feel like i mention cleaning and the men in my house run for the hills. What are they going to when i take the baby and just go away for a weekend? We shall see.

Driving Me Crazy!!

So Madison is now 5 months old and she is cutting her first tooth. It has been a nightmare...LITERALLY! She has been crying on an almost constant basis. You can see her tooth coming. I have tried in what seems like vain to ease her pain. I given her teething tablets and baby oral gel, pain reliever and even a frozen teething key and nothing works at all! It hard to be a loving and adoring mother when you run on two hours of sleep every night. My brother even posted on his facebook "My niece Madison is the sleep Nazi she looks at her mommy. Gives her the " NO SLEEP FOR YOU! " look. She's the ultimate troll. Lolz mutha fucka!"  and sadly it is true. I love Madison with all my heart and soul but I am going nuts. I have started an affair with my coffee pot! Much to my dismay I have recently run out of coffee. Thanks to my amazing husband, Ive been able to to get atleast some sleep. Josh has helped alot! Im hoping things get better soon! 

My Testimony

Growing up I did not have the most stable of environment's. My family lived all over the place, we moved every other year or sometimes every six months depending on where my father was transferred. From the age of seven on up I was in a state of depression, It was at the age of Seven that I tried my first suicide attempt, by placing a plastic bag over my head. During this time is when I remember the sexual abuse starting, even though I'm pretty sure it happened before then. Till this day only three people actually know what happened, Me, God, and the Man that is my father. I spent many years thinking it was my fault and blaming myself for what happened. I never told anyone because I was afraid that nobody would believe me. I lived with a brewing hatred that grew and grew. I spent most of my Childhood and my teen years in and out of psychiatric wards because of suicide attempts. The first time I went to a psychiatric hospital I was seven, I had tried to kill myself by putting a plastic bag over my head. When that wouldn't do anything I upped the atty and started cutting myself. It actually felt good at the time, it was a way to drain away the pain. In my teens I became heavily involved in Wicca, I studied it and believed in it. It was my life. When I was a wiccan I did things that to this day I  have not spoken of and I have seen things that made me a believe in the supernatural. In October of 2000 my life came crashing down when my father sexually abused my little sister, I was the one who actually heard the conversation and the act as it was happening. I was the one who ended it. I ended it by going to my mom's friend's boyfriend. I just went up to him and said "My dad is molesting my sister" and he told his girlfriend who then told my mom. Till this day I don't know what made me tell. I think it was the protective instinct, I had over my siblings. I was always the one who took the blame for the things they did wrong. When my father went to jail things sunk further, my mom went on a wild streak and I joined her at 14 I was a drinking and smoking and partying like an adult. Finally in October of 2001 after years of Chaos my siblings and I went to live with my Grandparents is Los Angeles. Finally I got some normalcy in my life. In 2004 we moved to Florida and I sunk into a depression again. I had left my friends and was going to a new school for my Senior year. I was a mess.  After graduation I moved in with my mom and went to college for one semester before I dropped out. After a few months I got involved in a Mentally and verbally abusive relationship with a man twice my age that led to a relapse In cutting. In November of 2006 I went to Teen Challenge. I can remember my first day there looking at my Grandmother and saying “If you think I'm going to come out of this a Christian you seriously have another thing coming.” Little did I know. Fought the whole time I was there against giving into the power of God. I dont think I fully gave into it until my Sixth month. While I was there they helped to teach me the Skills that I needed to be the person I am today. Before I fully accepted Christ in my life, I did was so bound by my anger, regret, self loathing, and hatred. With Christ help I have learned to forgive my father for what he has done to me, and I will be honest and say that the relationship will not be mended. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and say that I am not still affected by what has happened in my life. It struggle with even more so now that I have my own daughter. It has caused me to be leary about the people that I let watch her, even though I know that they would never hurt her. It still does not stop me from being paranoid. Simple acts as such as changing my daughters diaper which is nothing more then innocent act of taking care of her needs make me feel ashamed and dirty. It is in these moments that I turn to God and ask him to help me through it.  I know that with each struggle I face it makes me stronger for the next one that comes along and I know that with God walking by my side I will make it and that I will be okay.   

Isaiah 54:17

"No weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD and their vindication from me, declares the LORD.” 

2 Corinthians 10:4

"For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds."

Making Memories

Yesterday was one of the funnest days I've had in a long time, I took Madison to get her pictures taken for Easter.Thanks to her Aunt Shelby we got lots of Smiley Pictures. But most of all got to spend time with my daughter. I can't wait till she is older, then she and I can go shopping together and I can take her to get her nails done and just do all the things with her that my mother and I never really did. I want her to have a decent family. I want to be the type of family that goes on trips together and that has fun on the weekends and that build memories that she can be proud to tell her kids about one day. I love my little more than anything in the whole world! She means everything to me. I want so much more for her. I want her to have the life that I never had. It's funny how things are sometimes. This year is all of Madison's first. Her first Valentine's Day, Easter , St. Patrick's Day, 4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Technically her First Christmas. I say technically for Christmas because on last year she was 2 days old, so this year she will be 1yr old and she will know what is going on. I love the fact that from now on all my memories are going to have  this beautiful little girl in them for the rest of my life.  I have been working on a scrap book for her for some photos I printed and well now for some of her Easter photos. I hope one day she will look at the scrap book and see all the memories that we have created for her and look back on things with joy and fondness. I also hope that when she gets older that we can do the scrapbook together. I want her to be happy and I will do everything possible to make sure that she is. 

Growing Up

So lately I've been looking at my the Facebook profiles of my friends from high school and I just can't believe how fast time has gone by. It seems like just yesterday I was sitting at the lunch table with laughing and joking around or walking to class with them. Man how things have change! I have been trying to track down my high school year books for nostalgia purposes and I know that they are in my garage but the question is "where?". I went to 3 high school in my high school career, "Thomas Jefferson in Decatur IL 3 months my 9th grade year, Palisades Charter High School in Los Angeles CA from 9th grade to 11th, and Lely High school my Senior year in Naples FL. My junior year and senior years of high school were the best, I had the most amazing friends and they are some of my best friends! I look back on those two years and I see how much things have changed some much since then. We are all grown ups now. Some of us have gone off to collage and graduated and started amazing careers , Some moved away, some joined the Navy, Army, or other form of Military, some have gotten married and had babies, Some have gone on amazing adventures and mission trips through out the world, we have all gone off and done our own things. WE HAVE BECOME GROWN UPS!! Looking back I remember seeing my life playing out in a whole different way but what can I say I was young. I had the dream of going to Harvard and becoming a lawyer with a background in forensic studies, well needless to say that didn't happen. But on the brightside I would not change the way things have turned out for anything in the world. From time to time we run into each other or message each other on Facebook or Twitter and we ask each other how the other is doing and then say "We should hang out some time." which is always a good intention but with schedule conflicts and a million other things it never really works out. Out of all the people I miss from high school I miss my Cali friends the most Slade, Devin and Elisabeth. They got me though a rough patch. They were there for me when my other friends abandoned me due something stupid.  Because of them My Junior year of high school was a total blast! They actually helped me learn to be myself. Looking at things now you can really tell that we are all grown up!

I am a Mother

I always knew that I was destined to be a wife and a Mother. It was a calling that I felt long before I was able comprehend what love and marriage actually meant. It was like the feeling I had when I was younger telling me that I was differnt from everyone else, older in spirit then in age. On December 23, 2011 I gave birth to my daughter Madison by C-section. In the moments before her birth I can remember being nervous, out right scared, and a flurry of other emotions, but I also couldn't wait to see her. My husband Josh was a great comfort to me in the operating room, he sat there and held my hand and kept telling me that he loved me. When the Doctor finally pulled her out and I heard her cry for the first time, I wept with a sense of euphoria, my little girl was in the world. I only got to see her for about 30 seconds when the doctor lifted her over the curtain that was seperating my upper body from the grisly scene that was my lower body. After all was said and done and she was wiped off and had everything cleaned out they handed her to my husband, the smile from ear to ear on his face was priceless. Now here I can admit to some jealousy, I wanted to hold her first. Had I of had a natural child birth like I wanted I would of gotten to do that, unfortunately circumstances would not allow for that. I can remember being in Panic when it was time for Josh and the baby to leave the room so they could staple me back together, even though I knew Madison was in safe hands I still couldn't fight fear. I never really understood why I was afraid, I just wanted to hold her. I remember when they finally wheeled me out into the recovery room and I saw my baby there, I felt a pang and a longing in my heart to hold her. After was seemed like an eternity and when they were done giving her her shots and stuff I finally got to hold my baby. When I finally got to hold her, I felt a joy in my heart that I have never felt before, It was an instant bond. One can never truly explain the feeling of the bond between Mother and child, you have to experience it yourself to truly understand. Since Madison has been born it been a new adventure and a new experience. There are good days and bad days, but every day is more beautiful then one before. In the three months since her birth she has grown so much. I love her more with each passing day. I am a mother and I wouldn't want to be anything else.