I Need Masculism – a slam poem from Tumblr

Okay My Friend Ariel posted this poem that she got from tumblr on Facebook and I just had to share with you all. 

I Need Masculism – a slam poem.

I need masculism because we exist
Deep within the bowels of the matriarchy’s iron fist
And the tears of millions of friendzone-ees everywhere
Could fill the rivers and effectively end any water shortage

I need masculism because men have body issues too
And there aren’t enough low-cal, low-fat, 
And general diet products
Marketed towards men!
And the beauty product industry? Ha!
Men age too, feminist scum!
Where are the men’s collagen creams?
Where is the men’s makeup section?
Where are the Spanx for men?
This is the female gaze-driven
Society we’re talking about here!

I need masculism because
Countless numbers of my Nice Guy brethren
Are fighting an endless fight to escape
The seventh circle of hell (AKA the friendzone)
Through countless good deeds and favors
And they don’t even get their penises stroked.

I need masculism because girls have cooties
And they should be thankful 
That I’m willing to touch them
In the first place.
I fully believe that consent is out-dated
Since mr-cappadocia said it’s rooted
In a woman’s desire for an A+ mate
And anyway, after all,
Would you rather hear me yell,
“Nice tits, baby!”
Or “saggy-tittied-hairy-legged-bitch,”
From the window of my mom’s Ford Probe?
“Nice tits” is clearly a complement.
You ungrateful empowered bitches.

I need masculism because
Men are marginalized in nearly everything
TheAmazingAtheist
Isn’t a respected public official 
On social issues.
And because
Those who don’t prioritize my problems OVER theirs
Are disgusting reverse-sexists.

I need masculism because I should be allowed
To force the abortion of my baby
Even though the pregnancy is taking place
In a body that isn’t mine
And I had unprotected sex fully aware
Of the potential consequences

I need masculism because all these women
Think I’m not qualified to make laws
About their bodies due to my lack of a vagina.
I think one of my favorite politicians once said
“You don’t have to own a car
To know how to fill up, amirite?”
-Probably Rick Perry or Todd Akin
(who knows, who cares?
I’m too busy fighting the matriarchy to fact-check.)

I need masculism because men are
Supposed to be strong
But this is a woman’s world,
And the women of the world
Can easily break my masculinity
By contaminating anything I touch with their girl cooties
And that’s clearly misandry, right?
There’s a reason we don’t want you
To touch our video games.

I need masculism because there are more
Incarcerated men
Than there are women,
And Orange is the New Black
Oppresses me
And clearly ignores the demographics at hand.
But if someone made a show
More accurate, like say,
About women in the kitchen entitled
Mustard is the New Mayonaise 
The producers would have ludicrous insults thrown at them
Like, “sexist pig!” or “backwards misogynist!”

I need masculism because the NSA
Has ignored my please to monitor the friendzoning females
And the great and manipulative injustice the brought upon
49% of Americans everyday.
Some bullcrap about “more serious problems,”
Like “terrorism” ooOOOooh, or
“Drug cartel” oooOOOOoooooOOOh, or
“International espionage that could threaten the safety of our nation!”
Big fucking deal. 
I have an unappeased boner and an unmade sandwich, here!
Get your priorities straight
And wake the hell up, America.

But most importantly,
I need masculism because my
Black-and-white pinstripe fedora
Doesn’t match
The orange Cheeto dust in my neckbeard. 

- By: stellarsarah.tumblr.com

Hope you liked it!


Love
Christiania